“Your capacity to say no determines your capacity to say yes to greater things.”
-E. Stanley Jones
When I was twelve I had the amazing opportunity to attend an event called, “The Silver Ring Thing.” The conference was so fun, and the leaders were so loving, and I was so vulnerable at the time.
However, little did I know what the theme of the meeting was about.
It was about abstinence.
Abstinence; no one wanted to talk about that. Yet, here we were, adolescents in a huge church talking about sex. It was so refreshing! There were so many different views, stresses, and pressures being placed on me at the time about sex, I was just thankful someone in authority would discuss the topic and bring some clarity to my hormonal brain!
Abstinence is the reckoning to refrain from all sexual activities until marriage. Now, you may be reading this and thinking, “Well, this isn’t for me. I’m already sexually active.” However, secondary virginity can have the same effects of being a virgin originally, so keep reading!
Let me preface this by saying, you are loved. This article is not written to point out sin, to condemn, or anything else along those lines. This article is being birthed out of the fact that we keep finding that some have never heard of abstinence and we want to get this topic out there so each individual has a chance to make an even more informed decision about his/her sexual integrity.
You might be thinking, “You mean if I’ve had sex already, I can become a virgin again?!” The answer, is actually, yes! God is a God of grace, so why wouldn’t there be another chance to redeem sexual integrity in our lives?! There is what’s called secondary virginity. Actually, common in Hebraic culture is the belief that after 7 years of abstinence, one does become a virgin again because it is said that after 7 years, a female's hymen becomes once again intact. There are second chances! And let me tell you something, I am married to someone that was in a previous marriage, but then became abstinent for 7 years, and we thoroughly enjoy the benefits of it and I considered him a virgin when we got married. Yes, I was a virgin, because I believed the truth about what I will further write about in this article. Stay tuned.
It is not easy to abstain once one has been introduced to sex, and it can even become an addiction that some have to overcome. However, you can do it if you want to! However, it will not be by might or will, but by the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
Why teach on abstinence? I’m going to go into researcher mode on you for a minute. Hang in there with me.
Abstinence is the only way to fully protect yourself from STD’s until marriage. No contraceptive pill, condoms, implants, etc. offer 100% protection. Statistics prove that those that are sexually active before marriage have higher incidences of attempted suicide, suicide, abuse, depression, and “unwanted” pregnancies, and contract sexually transmitted diseases that can leave long-lasting effects, and even cause infertility.Those that wait to engage in sexual activities until marriage are proven to have greater self-esteem, more fulfilling sex, and longer happier marriage.Marriages that are built with the couple having sex for the first time within a marriage show to have better trust throughout the marriage.Spouses that wait for sex as a gift for each other in marriage prove to feel more safe, special, and valued and walk in a stronger sense of identity within the marriage. Spouses do not feel as strongly that they have to meet an ungodly or unfair expectation in the marriage bed, and they can learn the boundaries of sex together and what they believe is okay and what is not.
The list of benefits and statistics could go on and on, but for all intents and purposes, I will stop there at this time.
If you are fighting the good fight of abstinence at this time, let me give you some pointers that Robyn and I found to keep us on the right path. First of all, we are proud of you. Sometimes you just need to hear that from someone that is fighting, or has fought, the same fight. You’re in good company, and you’re never alone. When I was not married, Satan fed me every lie he could to attempt me to give in. For example, he told me, “You’re missing out!” This was one of the main lies I heard, constantly. Then one day the Holy Spirit told me in a still small voice, “Brandi, I am good. I am good to the core, and I am always good. I am also the God of abundance. If I am always good and give in abundance, then do you really think I would be withholding something truly good from you? No. I would be the first one to give it to you. I have set the boundary of no sex before marriage to protect you. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.” Then, I remembered that Satan is the father of lies. So, if he was telling me that I was missing out, then I really wasn’t because Satan cannot tell the truth, he can only tell lies.
That helped me a lot; though I had to repeat, out loud and in my mind, the truth to that lie many times. I always held on to that revelation. Secondly, Satan would tell me that I was not being a serving significant other and that I was not meeting my SO’s needs at the time, so I could expect that he would eventually cheat on me. This one was very hard for me to overcome. It took a long time for me to process that this was a lie from Satan and not the truth because I love to serve and meet the needs of my SO (significant other).
I’m going to pause right here and tell you this: sex is not a need that needs to be met outside of a marriage bed. If it was, we would have been instructed that it was okay for it to be met before marriage. God clearly outlines the boundary of not having sex before marriage, and He wouldn’t keep us from getting a need met. Therefore, giving your SO sexual intimacy is not meeting a need. It’s participating with them in coming into agreement with the enemy’s plans for his/her and your life. Secondly, if they decide they need sex to be in a relationship, then they are not equally in unity with your beliefs about the Bible, and the Bible clearly tells us to only enter into covenant agreement with someone that is in unity with our Biblical beliefs anyway, and they are not, or at least at that time, the one for you anyway. Thirdly, Satan tries to convince the unmarried that sex is necessary to develop intimacy. However, sex is an expression of the intimacy that already exists, within the boundaries of marriage.
Read this eye-opening quote by Alice Fryling, in an article titled, “Why Wait for Sex?” “Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love, and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.”
What was it that ultimately helped me remain a virgin until marriage? I will tell you it all boiled down to this. I was madly in love with Jesus Christ. I made Jesus my priority because He made me His priority, and I wanted nothing more than to obey Him. This obedience was not fear-based, and I think this is the main difference between myself and those of my friends that had accepted the challenge and call to abstinence. The majority of my friends that accepted the call and committed to it eventually gave in and broke the commitment they made to God, their future spouses, and themselves. The main difference I have observed through the years is that those friends that gave in all had one main thing in common: they were “obeying” God out of fear or because they were told it was the right thing to do, and I wanted, and still want, to obey Him out of love because of the love I have experienced from Him. Most of these friends had head knowledge of God, and not experiential heart knowledge of Him. If you are one someone that has head knowledge of God, and you want experiential heart knowledge of Him, please join me in praying this prayer right now. “Jesus, please let me experience with my senses the vast amount of love you have for me. I believe I will, and I receive these experiences from You. Thank you. Amen.”
You may be asking at this point, where does the Bible say not to be sexually active before marriage? While there are several scriptures on the topic, I love simplicity, so I will provide one and then let you reach out to ask for more, or do a person study on the topic.
Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 6:9. Robyn and I love teaching on this topic because of the weight of the revelation we have personally received from the scripture, and how it changed how we fight to remain pure.
The words, “sexually immoral,” found in the verse above is Strong's concordance number 4205, meaning fornicator (one who partakes in sexual activity before marriage) and pornos (short for taking part in pornography). This verse clarifies that no one is to partake in porn or fornication. This also clarifies that pornography is adultery and is just as much sin as actually having sex outside of marriage. The Bible later describes that pornea, pornos, or pornography are not okay within marriage either. That, however, is a separate topic than what is being written about here. Please message us at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information regarding how to get free from pornography or the truth about pron in the Bible. We know the struggle is real, but it can be overcome!
Today, we are beckoning you to choose this day abstinence. We are here to support you and we are here to help guide you through that, whether you’ve had sex before, or you have not. We are here to also be accountability partners. Robyn ministers to the males regarding this topic and I minister to the females regarding this topic.
My motto has always been, if one person will take the time to believe in you and walk through life with you, you can accomplish everything and more that you want to in life. We are here with you and for you and believe in you. Help us change the world by becoming the change, one person at a time.
One of the things that kept me abstinent through the toughest of times was that I had signed an agreement to remain pure until marriage, and I strongly believe that if I sign a contract I must be a person of integrity and uphold that to which my name is on. Please email us at email@example.com and we will send you a contract to sign committing to not having sex before marriage. This contract will have a spot for a witness to sign as well that watches you make this commitment that commits to supporting you while you fight the good fight of purity. We, of course, will commit to being there for you during the good and bad times as well. Anyone that signs this contract gets a free life coaching class with either Robyn or Brandi, depending upon your gender.
Multiplied blessings and may you thrive your whole life in the area of relationships, as we were created for relationship. We value and believe in you.